The Unselfishness of Love

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Good morning Chapel family. Congratulations to everyone being baptized today—it’s a beautiful thing to hear your stories and celebrate this moment with you.

We’re taking three weeks to talk about love, by focusing on one of the most well-known passages in the Bible—1 Corinthians 13. Paul was writing to the church in the city of Corinth, and when you read the letter it’s obvious they were a lot people in 2023—all kinds of relational problems. So in this part of the letter, Paul is showing them there’s a better way to live—and it’s all about this thing called agape, which is the Greek word for unselfish, unconditional love.

So last week, we saw that it’s possible to have impressive spiritual gifts and do amazing acts of service, but not actually love the people you’re serving. I could volunteer 20 hours a week to serve needy people and give 50% of my income to charity—but if I’m not driven by love I’m wasting my time. If I talk to my family or my neighbors about God, but I don’t really love them, all they will hear is blah, blah, blah. Like a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. In other words, the one thing that makes anything worthwhile is love. Love is essential.

But we still haven’t said what love actually is. So today, we’re going to look at the definition of love, which we skipped over it last week. So—1 Corinthians 13, verses 4 through 7. Let’s hear God’s Word together:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This is the Word of the Lord.

That definition names 15 different characteristics of love. But today, I’m just going to focus on six of them—here they are: Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking. Here’s how I would summarize all those: Love is unselfish. Each of those six characteristics involves taking your focus off of yourself.

You’ve probably heard the classic definition of humility: Humility doesn’t mean thinking less of yourself; it just means thinking of yourself less.” Less often. That is so freeing, and it’s exactly what we need if we want to love like Jesus. But it’s also hard. And our inability to do that is probably causing most of the problems in our lives. So let’s look at what Paul said to the Corinthians, and how this can helps us grow in agape love…which will make everything in our lives better.

First, let’s talk about The Symptoms of Selfishness.

Here’s the first one: Envy. Verse 4: love does not envy. Envy is the Greek word zelos, which literally means “to burn” or “to boil.” For example: when someone else is successful, and it burns me up—it almost physically hurts me to see that person doing better than I am. Envy is a little different from greed. Because if you just got a really great car, greed says, “Hey—I want one of those, too.” But envy says, “Either I should get one, or I’d be just as happy if you lost yours. But the main point is, I want to stop feeling inferior to you.” Does that make sense? So envy is all about feeling inferior, or threatened, by another person. And those are powerful emotions. Especially when that other person is doing better than me at the very thing I’m trying to succeed at. So if you’re a successful dentist, that

doesn’t make me envy. I’m not trying to be a dentist. You go ahead and do root canals. But if you’re a pastor who’s getting invited to speak at conferences that I’m not getting invited to, that’s where I could struggle with envy. You follow?

When you read this letter Paul wrote to the Corinthians, you see that they were envying each other’s spiritual gifts. There were certain people who had been given more high-profile gifts—like speaking in tongues and prophecy—and the people with the more low-key gifts, like serving or hospitality—were thinking, “I wish I had that guy’s gifts.” And Paul says, “Love never does that!” When you look at someone, and that person has something good, and that makes you boil with envy, you know you don’t love that person.

You’re a single woman, and your best friend, who’s also single, suddenly meets someone. And one day she comes home and she shows you the diamond on her finger. How do you feel?

You’re a high school athlete, and it’s senior year, and you’re hoping next year maybe you can walk on the team at community college. But your best friend on the team is having college scouts visit the games to watch him play. And one day he calls you and says, “I just a got a full ride offered by Rutgers!” How do you feel?

Your sister moves into a beautiful home; your coworker gets a great promotion.

So someone succeeds at something, and I might say the right words: “Oh, I’m so happy for you!” But inside, I feel threatened; I feel inferior; I can’t rejoice in my neighbor’s good, because everything gets brought back to me. “I should have a ring on my finger. Why didn’t the scout come and look at me? I should have gotten that promotion?” We view everything through the lens of ourselves, and that keeps us from truly loving other people.

So that’s the first symptom of selfishness: I can’t enjoy your success. How are you doing on the test so far?

Here’s the second symptom: Pride. And this actually encompasses four of the phrases in the definition: love is kind; it doesn’t dishonor others; it doesn’t boast; and it’s not proud.

Let’s start with that last one: love is not proud. The Greek term for “proud” literally means “puffed up.” Have you ever seen a pufferfish, or a blowfish? They actually fill their stomachs with water or air and blow themselves up to several times their normal size. Isn’t that adorable? Actually, they’re deadly—there’s enough poison in one pufferfish to kill 30 adult humans. Do you see the symbolism? When we puff ourselves up with pride and arrogance, and elevate ourselves over others, it is toxic to marriage; it’s toxic to friendships. And Paul is saying, “When you love someone, you don’t puff yourself up around them.”

We were talking about this passage in my small group last week, and one of the guys told us about a terrible argument he had with his former wife. He was ranting about all the things she was doing wrong, and he said he only remembers three words she said to him: “You’re puffed up.” Forty years later, he still remembers those words, and he said, “She was so right.” Pride is deadly for relationships.

So if being proud is an attitude, the common action that flows from that is boasting. Love does not boast. One author said: “Boasting is our private advertising business—our little campaign to publicize an image of ourselves.” In other words, it’s making sure the spotlight is focused on me. When I was in my early 20’s I was a seminary student in Dallas, and I had a part-time job at an oil company. And I remember standing with a group of guys at work, talking. And one of the guys was talking about his

son, who had just run his fist marathon. Little did they know, I had recently run a marathon—a few years earlier. So here’s this guy, talking about his son’s accomplishment, like any dad would. And something in me said, “I need to let these people know that I too ran a marathon!” And I worked that in to the conversation. And as I remember, they weren’t all that impressed. Now—why did I feel I had to do that? Because of pride. I couldn’t bear them not knowing that I was just as impressive as this guy’s son! I couldn’t bear to not have the spotlight on me! And Paul says when you love, you don’t have to do that. Because if I love you, I’m not focused on what you think of me; I’m truly focused on you.

Two other manifestations of pride: love is kind, and it doesn’t dishonor others. See, if I’m proud, I feel that I’m more important than you. And if I feel that being nice to you won’t benefit me at all, then I’m not going to treat you with much respect. In fact, I’m not going to give you the time of day. I’ll probably just blow you off and walk right past you…which is very unkind and very dishonoring. But I won’t even notice I’m doing it! Because I’m so focused on myself and my reputation and my own little world. By the way, I recently read something by a woman who said that when she’s dating a man for the first time, she pays close attention to how he treats waiters and waitresses. And if they’re not kind—if they dishonor that waiter or waitress by being condescending or rude—she said that’s a clear sign of character, and I don’t want anything to do with that guy. That’s a pretty good test. Because it reveals pride.

And then the third symptom of selfishness: Stubbornness. Stubbornness. This is from verse 5, where it says love is not self-seeking. Some translations say love does not insist on its own way. In the church in Corinth, there were some strong-minded, bull-headed people. They had strong opinions about, for example, whether or not you should eat meat that’s been used in a pagan temple; they had strong opinions about how to celebrate communion in their church services; also, in church, some people felt like what they had to say was the most important thing—so they would stand up and speak, and they would just keep on talking when it was someone else’s turn to speak—it was like a church filibuster.

Stubbornness! And here’s the thing: I’ll bet if you talked to every person in that church who had a strong opinion, they were absolutely convinced their way was the right way, and what they were doing they were doing for the good of the church, and everybody else just didn’t get it. Because obviously my way of looking at this is the only way!

When we do premarital counseling, here’s one of the questions we always ask: When you’re in a disagreement, is it always the same person who has to back down? Is it always the same person who has to say “I’m sorry”? Because that can reveal a toxic level of stubbornness. I can remember one couple, where the guy said, “It’s pretty much always me that has to apologize.” And I looked at his fiancé, and I said, “Is that true?” And she said, “I’m very willing to apologize when I’m wrong. I just haven’t been wrong yet.” That’s when I knew we needed to add a few extra counseling sessions.

So this church in Corinth was filled with very self-centered people! They were envious and proud and stubborn. And Paul was trying to get them to look in the mirror and see the truth about themselves. Because when we face the truth, then we become open to change. And the path to change always involves looking away from ourselves and looking at Jesus.

So, point number two: The Model of Unselfishness. See, the way to change is not by studying a list of words! “I’m going to recite 1 Corinthians 13 every day!” That can diagnose our problem! But to really change, you have to let your heart be captivated by the only One who truly lived this out. So…what does the life of Jesus show us about unselfish love?

Look with me at John chapter 13, verse 1. It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Listen to this: Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. Up until that time, Jesus had spent about three years with this little group of guys, and it says he had loved them. In other words, he hadn’t just taught them about love, he had actually treated them with generosity and compassion and sacrifice. He had loved them like they had never been loved. And NOW, it says, he was about to carry that love to its full extent.

Go to verse 3: Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God… Stop. You know what that tells me? Jesus knew exactly who he was and where he stood with God. Right? Because of his relationship with his Father, he was absolutely secure in his identity. He didn’t need to prove anything. He didn’t need to impress anyone. So how do you treat people when you’re secure in your relationship with the Father? Watch—verse 4: 4 so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5 After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him. If anyone in that room deserved to have his feet washed, it was Jesus. But he took everything that anyone would expect, and he turned it on its head. Because when your identity is secure in God, it frees you to love.

I cannot overemphasize how important this is! Because so often, the way we treat people shows our insecurity. It shows that we want people to think a certain way about us, and approve of us, and be impressed with us. And I’ll tell you something I’ve realized about myself: if I need you, I’m not free to serve you. Does that make sense? If I need you to approve of me and like me and be impressed with me, then I’m not free to really serve you and love you. Jesus didn’t need his disciples to boost his identity. His identity was not tied to their opinion of him at all! That was settled in his relationship with God…and that freed him to love.

So here’s the principle: the more confident I am in my Father’s love, the more free I am to love you.

So when you read 1 Corinthians 13, and it tells you all these things that love is not—it’s not envious, or boastful or rude or demanding of its own way—and you realize how far you fall short, here’s what you do—you look away from yourself, and look to Jesus.

Do you remember last week, I tried plugging my name into that definition of love? “Dave is patient; Dave is kind; Dave does not envy or boast…” And I couldn’t even get through it, because it was so embarrassing. Try plugging the name of Jesus in. You ready? 4 Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind. Jesus does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. 5 Jesus does not dishonor others, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Jesus does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Everything I just said is absolutely, entirely true. Because ultimately, love is not a bunch of words; it’s a Person. So the more you focus on him and trust him, will pour out his Holy Spirit into your heart, and your heart will become more and more like his heart, and you won’t think less of yourself, but you will think of yourself less. And you’ll find yourself freed up to love people really well.

Let’s talk about what that could look like. Last point: A Vision of Unselfish Love. I’d like to tell you a story about a man who loves well. His name is Ernie Johnson. If you’re a sports fan, you know who this is. He’s been a commentator for major league baseball and the March Madness college basketball tournament. He’s probably best known as the main host on the NBA on TNT. And you always see him at the desk surrounded by these famous former professional basketball players, like Shaquille O’Neal

and Charles Barkley. He’s extremely good at what he does, and it’s obvious the other guys have a deep respect for him. And part of that respect is because of who he is in his personal life.

Ernie and his wife have six kids; four of them are adopted, and three of them have special needs. About thirty years ago, his wife was on a mission trip to Romania, and she visited an orphanage where she met a 3-year-old boy named Michael. Michael had a club foot and was unable to speak. He obviously had severe cognitive disabilities. So she called home and told Ernie about him. Ernie said, “Bring him home.” So they adopted Michael, and in the midst of his crazy sportscaster schedule, Ernie faithfully cared for him and developed a close bond with him. Over the years, Michael’s condition worsened—he was confined to a wheelchair; he was placed on a ventilator. Ernie was the main caretaker who bathed him and changed him and fed him.

The way he lives can be traced back to a conversation he had over lunch with his pastor back in 1997. During that lunch, he decided to fully trust Jesus with his life. And he said, “Only at that moment was I able, from that point on in my life, to switch from having a me-centered life to a God-centered life.” Years later he was asked about what motivates him to adopt and care for his kids, and here’s what he said:

Some people can be driven by going on mission trips, digging wells for kids who don't have water. Everybody's wired differently. This is one of the ways we're wired. We have this heart for adoption. It's rooted in our faith, our Christian faith. We're instructed to care for orphans and widows. We don't want credit. We don't want pats on the back. We're getting a heck of a lot more out of it than they are.

Ernie’s son Michael passed away two years ago, at age 33. The outpouring of support from the sports community was overwhelming. Because when someone lives out unselfish love, from a heart committed to Christ, the world stands back in wonder.

So I wonder, as you take your eyes off yourself, and become more secure in your relationship with God, how will he call you to roll up your sleeves and wash people’s feet?

Maybe he’ll give you a heart for adoption, like Ernie Johnson. You’ve always thought you could never do that! But the love of Christ empowers you to do things you could never do without him.

Maybe you’ll spend more time on the streets of Paterson, in the messiness of serving the homeless and addicted in the name of Christ.

Maybe you’ll start noticing people in your school or at your job or at the grocery store that you never noticed before, and you’ll treat them with the same love that God has treated you with.

I don’t know how God’s going to lead you, but here’s what I do know: if you let him, he’s going to make you less envious so you can truly celebrate the success of the people around you. I might even attend the conference where that other pastor is speaking!

He’s going to make you less prideful, so you can stop talking about yourself and be fully present with the people you’re with.

And he’s going to make you less stubborn, so you can admit when you’re wrong, or even when you might be wrong, and that’s going to make all your relationships better.

See, here’s the truth: if you never break out of your self-absorption, you will live a miserable, small life. But if you allow the love of God to change you, your soul will expand, and your world will open up in beautiful ways. Because love changes everything.