The Cure for Shame

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I want to thank Ryan for sharing his story with us. Can we thank Ryan one more time? 

We’re calling our Advent series “Cured by Christmas,” because when we really experience the truth of Christmas, there’s a healing power that enters our lives. But it’s easy to miss that. We get caught up in the decorations and the food and the gifts and watching Elf for the 200th time, and we forget that underneath all that, Christmas is the story of Jesus entering our world to heal something that was broken. He was the long-awaited cure for the deepest sickness in the world. And if that’s true for the world in a global way, it’s true for your life in a personal way. Jesus has the power to bring healing to the deepest problems in your life.  

And today we’re going to talk about the cure for shame. Ryan talked about a time in his life when he was crippled by shame, and even though his story is unique, I have come to believe that every single one of us deals with shame. Some of the deepest struggles in your life are very likely the result of shame. It’s a powerful force. And Jesus came to do something about it.  

So let’s look at today’s Scripture—Luke 2, starting in verse 8. Let’s hear God’s Word… 

8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 

14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven, 
    and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.” 

15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.” 

16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. This is the Word of the Lord. 

So…what do we learn about shame from the angel’s announcement to the shepherds? Let’s talk first about Where Shame Comes From. In first-century Palestine, shepherding was a necessary occupation, because there were lots of sheep. But it was not a prestigious occupation. It was considered a common, blue-collar job. Shepherds spent a lot of their lives outside. They were dirty. I once heard Joe Piscopo, the comedian, talk about his teenage summer job as a garbage collector in Long Beach Island. After work, he and his fellow trash collectors would stop at a bar to get a drink, and he said when they sat at the bar, everybody else would clear out, because these guys smelled nasty. Shepherds had a job that made them smell nasty. So they weren’t the most socially graceful people. They generally didn’t own their own property. They traveled from place to place; they lived in tents.  

But most importantly, shepherds had a job that required them to handle sick animals and sometimes dead animals, which, according to Hebrew law, made them ceremonially unclean. Which meant they weren’t permitted to enter the Jewish temple. Think about that: the very nature of what they did every day made them unfit to enter the presence of God. How do you think that would affect the way you think about yourself?  

And that’s why shepherds are a perfect example of shame.  

What is shame? I would define it like this: Shame is a deep feeling of being defective, unworthy, and not good enough. Let me say that again: Shame is a deep feeling of being defective, unworthy, and not good enough. Have you ever felt that way? 

Sometimes we get shame confused with guilt. But there’s a difference. Guilt is feeling bad for something you’ve done; shame is feeling bad for who you are. You see the difference? Guilt says, “I did something bad;” shame says, “I am bad. I’m unworthy. I’m unacceptable. I’m broken. I’m disgusting. I’m weak. I’m unlovable. I’m ugly. I’m undesirable and unwanted.” 

What could make us feel that way? 

The most obvious thing is when you’ve done something wrong. And when you’ve done something wrong you should feel guilt for what you’ve done. When Peter denied Jesus, he wept bitterly because his conscience was working. When I’m harsh with my wife or one of my kids, I feel bad about that—and that’s healthy guilt—because it leads to repentance. But here’s the difference: when I realize I was harsh with my wife, and I say, “I’m worthless. I’m such a loser.” That’s when guilt becomes shame. When Ryan was using drugs, he should have felt bad for the addictive behavior, but it went way beyond that to feeling unworthy and condemned as a person. Maybe you have some secret habit that you’re deeply ashamed of.  

But it’s not always from something we’ve done wrong. Sometimes we feel shame for wrongs that were done to us. You got tricked by a financial scam. You were abused by your parents…or by your boyfriend…or your husband. You were bullied in school. So you didn’t do anything wrong; the wrong was done to you…but for some reason, you feel shame. Like there’s something wrong with you. Like you’re broken or damaged now.  

You might feel shame because of your perceived cultural status, like shepherds. They weren’t given much respect in society, and maybe you feel like you don’t get much respect. Because of your job, like the shepherds, or maybe your lack of job. Or the people you hang around with. Or where you live.  

Or you might feel shame for how you look. There’s a web site called bodyconfessions.com, where people can anonymously confess their true feelings about their body. And if you read someone’s confession and you can relate, you can click “been there.” Listen to some of the posts that received the most “been there” votes: 

I hate everything about my body and often feel guilty because I should be thankful I even have a [healthy] body …. I have no missing limbs, no diseases, no actual faults. I'm tired and exhausted of hating my…body. 

I want to lock myself up until I'm thin again. 

I constantly compare myself to other women. Weight, skin, hair, clothes. More often than not, I find myself lacking in most areas. 

I continually base my worth on what other people look like …. I don't know how to feel comfortable in my own skin. 

How many of those could you click “been there”? Maybe all of them? In today’s social media-saturated culture, our appearance is one of the most common sources of shame. 

When I was in my pre-teen and early teen years, I struggled with my weight. And there are certain memories lodged in my mind. I remember being with a group of friends at a camp, and we were doing one of those outdoor obstacle courses. One of the obstacles was a high wall that you had to pull yourself up and go over the top. I couldn’t do it. I was the only one, and I felt ashamed. I remember being at a pool party, and I was embarrassed to take off my shirt to go swimming, so I made up a story about sunburn, and left my shirt on. And I felt ashamed. I could give a lot more examples, and you probably could, too. 

So where does shame come from? It comes from things we’ve done, things done to us, our cultural status, our appearance…or anything else about us that makes us feel defective, unworthy, and not good enough. The shepherds knew how that felt, and so do we. 

Okay, so is shame really that bad? Isn’t it just part of life? Let’s talk about that: What Shame Does to Us. I can think of at least five ways that shame messes with our lives. 

First, Separation. Shame separates us from other people. That’s what the shepherds experienced on a regular basis. Because of who they were, they felt excluded and unwelcome in mainstream society. They were outsiders. That’s what shame does to us: it puts barriers between us and other people. In fact, the first example of shame in the entire Bible is in the lives of Adam and Eve. When they were first created, it says they were both naked, and they felt no shame. But then they rebelled against God; they ate from the one tree that was off-limits; and all of a sudden they became aware of their nakedness. And what’s the first thing they did? They covered up! They sewed together fig leaves to make coverings for themselves. And I love what one Bible scholar said—he said from that moment on, “they had trouble looking into each other’s eyes.” When we feel shame, we instinctively avoid eye contact with others, because it feels like the other person is seeing into our souls and judging our unworthiness. So we look away. So shame separates us from one another. 

Secondly, shame can lead to Perfectionism. In order to fight that feeling that I’m not good enough, I’m going to work incredibly hard and I’m going to strive to be perfect. Psalm 27 says, 

In vain you rise early 
    and stay up late, 
toiling for food to eat— 
    for he grants sleep to those he loves.  

So sometimes if you see a workaholic, who can never sit down and never relax, the thing that’s driving them is actually their shame. And God wants to overcome that with his love, which we’ll talk about in a minute. 

Third, shame can come out in a Critical spirit. This is when you take your perfectionism, and you apply it to other people. You’re always criticizing other parents, other teachers, other churches, other pastors; you’re always criticizing your husband or your kids. Because you feel bad about yourself, and it makes you feel good to put other people down. 

Fourth, shame can lead to Self-protection. Here’s how it works. If I feel unworthy, I’m probably not going to take a relational risk, or a ministry risk, or if I’m single I’m not going to take a dating risk. Why? Because I might fail. I might get rejected. And then I’d feel even worse about myself. So I’m going to play it safe, and just stagnate right where I am.  

And then finally, shame can lead to Self-Numbing. Everybody knows this, right? When you feel defective and unworthy and not good enough, it’s painful. But when you’re pouring that third glass of wine, or smoking whatever you might smoke, the pain goes away for a while.  

This Christmas, in your family, it’s very possible that someone is going to lash out in anger, or nitpick how you raise your kids, or get drunk at the dinner table. And in the past, you would just assume they’re doing it because they’re a jerk. They’re just a mean person. But this year you’re going to realize that they’re doing it because they’re dealing with deep shame.  

So here’s the bottom line: shame messes up the most important things in our lives. It’s incredibly destructive. Like I said at the beginning, some of the deepest issues in your life are probably the result of shame. I know that’s true in my life, and I’ll be it is in yours.  

And that’s why the announcement made by that angel, on that night, to that particular group of people, is so powerful. 

Let’s talk about How Shame is Conquered. (This is a painting of that moment by a Dutch painter named Govert Flinck, from 1639). Why in the world would God choose to make the very first announcement of the birth of the Messiah to these guys? Of all people? There must have been a reason, right? God doesn’t do things randomly. And when you listen to the first thing the angel said, it starts to become clear. Listen to what he said: Do not be afraid. I bring you good news…. Think about that: to these dirty, excluded, socially inferior people, the angel says, “I came specifically for you. You don’t get the leftovers; you don’t have to hear this news secondhand; you are the priority.” And suddenly these excluded people were starting to feel shockingly included. And that message of inclusion echoes through the centuries to everyone who’s ever felt shame. 

Think about it this way: shame makes us feel like we’re unworthy to be in God’s presence, right? I’m dirty; I’m unworthy; God is probably disgusted with me. I’m unworthy to be in God’s presence. But on Christmas, God brought his presence to us.  

So if you want to allow the truth of Christmas to conquer your shame, that’s the first thing you have to do. Hear that message that the angel made to the shepherds, and receive it as God’s message to you. I bring you good news. It really is that personal, and that’s where you need to start. 

But here’s the thing—and this doesn’t contradict what I just said. Even though this message is for you, it’s not about you. Are you following me? This message was for the shepherds on that hillside, but it wasn’t about the shepherds. So the truth that can cure your shame is not primarily a truth about you; it’s a truth about something much bigger than you. If anyone tells you that you can overcome your shame by building up your self-esteem, and expressing your true identity and manifesting your inner greatness, they are giving you a bunch of secular, psychological fluff—and there is no power in that message.  

-Isa 54:4--Fear not. You will no longer live in shame. There is no more disgrace for you. How can we get there?  

Human beings generate shame; God covers it with a durable product that requires the shedding of blood. Human beings suffer a metaphysical chill; God warms them with garments they should never have needed. (Melvin D. Hugen and Cornelius Plantinga, Jr., Books & Culture, Vol. 2, no. 2.) 

-Hebrews 12-Jesus endured the cross, enduring the shame  

1 John 1:9--confess our sins. No condemnation in Christ Jesus.  

-Solution: the only way to heal from shame is to move the focus from what I'm not to who Christ is. If you think something bad about yourself, you might be partially true! You are selfish, sinful lazy, etc.  

-I'm not bad; I'm forgiven.  

-Broken; new creation.  

(Angel doesn't focus on how great shepherd are; he talks about Jesus!)  

-Joshua 5:9--today God says I have rolled away the shame of your slavery. Shame was on you ( now by God's grace it's OFF you! Today!  

-You are not...  

What you did in the past  

What someone says about you  

You are what God says about you, in Christ.  

-Take focus off you, and put it on Christ. Christ in me is more than enough.  

Jesus shared in our shame. In fact the good news of Christmas is that Jesus is the king who bore our shame. The Bible tells us Jesus is God – God the Son, who has enjoyed the presence of his heavenly Father for eternity in the love and joy of the Holy Spirit. And yet he chose to come to earth in human form.  

Having made that decision he could have come as a king, dressed in purple, with powerful armies behind him. But instead he came as a baby, born to a refugee family who had nowhere to stay – hence he was laid in a manger. The first people to worship him were shepherds, the lowest of the low in society. He grew up as a carpenter’s son, though the rumours continued that no-one really knew who his father was. When his public ministry started he travelled around with nowhere permanent to lay his head. He spent time loving, teaching and caring for outcasts, the sick and those who knew they were sinners. Finally he was unjustly put on trial, spat on, whipped to the point of death, and executed as a common criminal. He hung on the cross completely naked. The whole process was deliberately designed to complete his shame. 

But wonderfully, as he faced the ultimate shame he didn’t deserve – and because of his love for us – he was bearing our shame! The prophet Isaiah writes:  

He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed… Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.  

(IS 53:5, 54:4)  

As he hung on the cross Jesus bore the shame of the insults we’ve received; he bore the shame of the things we’ve done; he bore the shame of the things that have been done to us; he bore the shame of our family history – he bore it all as he hung on the cross.  

Hebrews tells us that, in an act of enormous courage and defiance, Jesus "endured the cross, despising the shame" (Hebrews 12:2) and then adds, significantly, that he is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Incarnation, atonement, resurrection, and ascension--the going down and coming up of the Son of God--open the way not only for the forgiveness of our sins, but also for the lifting of our shame. For these are ingredients in the accepting grace of God and in the invitation to union with God's Son. (Melvin D. Hugen and Cornelius Plantinga, Jr., Books & Culture, Vol. 2, no. 2.)