Faith Works in Our Fights
Use the material to go deeper into this Series on your own, or with your small group.
Series Materials
Good morning Chapel family. Great to see you all today. I want to congratulate everyone being baptized—can we just show them our support one more time?
We are taking this spring to walk through the book of James—which is actually a letter written by James the brother of Jesus, to a group of Christians in the first century. The burden on James’ heart was hypocrisy in the church: people who claimed to have faith in Christ, but their lives didn’t show any evidence of faith. And James had no patience for that –he says, “Stop deceiving yourself. If it’s real faith, it will change the way you live.” But he doesn’t just leave it general like that. Through the letter, he walks through different areas of life, that we all experience, and he says, “Here’s how your faith can transform the way you handle this.”
So today we come to the end of chapter three, where James talks about how faith works in our fights. Our arguments. Our disagreements. Our conflicts.
How many times have you heard people say things like: We’ve drifted apart. We’ve gone our separate ways. We’re not on speaking terms. Or the dreaded, I unfriended her. Most of us have had relationships with friends or even family members that used to be good, but they’ve gone bad. It’s a sad thing! Or even if it hasn’t gone to that extreme, we say things like, He and I don’t see eye to eye. We butt heads a lot. She’s really hard to get along with. If none of this is true of you—if you never have conflicts with anyone, you can just play Wordle on your phone for the rest of the service. But the rest of us need to listen up.
So…how can our faith in Christ change the way we deal with conflicts? Let’s read the passage together—James 3, verses 13 to 18. I invite you now to hear the Word of God…
13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. This is the Word of the Lord.
So James says, “Look—when you go through conflicts and fights, the real difference-maker is this: what kind of wisdom do you bring to the table?” Because there’s a kind of wisdom—a way of approaching life—that leads to bad relationships. Some of you are living in the wreckage of that right now—broken relationship after broke relationship. But there’s another kind of wisdom that leads to good relationships—and we can choose to walk in that kind of wisdom.” So when it comes to conflicts, it’s all about what kind of wisdom you bring to the table.
Now: at the very beginning, James reminds us again how practical he is. Look at verse 13—this is so James: Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life… Typical James, right? In chapter two he said, “You say you have faith, but you live like that? I don’t buy it.” Same idea here: You say you have wisdom? Show it. Don’t sit there and talk about how much you
know; don’t try to impress me with what college you graduated from or how many Bible verses you can recite or whose books you’ve been reading. Show your wisdom by how you live. So for James, wisdom is not a concept; it’s a way of life.
Now: look at verse 13 one more time: Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the (what’s that word?) humility that comes from wisdom. If I had to boil down what James is saying in one phrase, here’s what I would say: HUMILITY HEALS RELATIONSHIPS. Humility heals relationships. If you have a relationship with a son or daughter that’s become strained, the thing that can heal it is humility. If you have a relationship with a friend that’s broken, the thing that can heal it is humility. If you have a relationship with a relative that’s distant, the thing that can heal it is humility. Humility heals relationships. Can you just say that with me? Humility heals relationships. Man, that is so easy to say; we’re going to need supernatural help to live it out.
So—let’s talk about two kinds of wisdom—one that’s marked by humility, and one that’s not.
First, Worldly Wisdom Lacks Humility. Look at verse 14: But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. So how do you know if you’re operating by worldly wisdom? Two things: bitter envy and selfish ambition. Let’s talk about those one at a time.
What does it mean to have bitter envy? Here’s a good test: how do I respond when things go really well in my friends’ lives? Let’s say my brother moves into his dream home. Beautiful house; gorgeous neighborhood. Do I want to celebrate that with him—like the Bible says, “rejoice with those who rejoice”? Or do I immediately compare his new house with my house? “He has a custom, brick pizza oven in his backyard…and I’m still flipping burgers on my 10-year-old Weber. The universe is not fair.”
If I’m a 30-year-old woman, and I have a close group of girlfriends who do everything together, and one night at dinner, one of our friends holds out her left hand, and says, “I’m engaged!” Does my heart rise in celebration with her…or does it sink in bitterness, because I don’t have a ring on my finger.
Or how about this: you and I are high school seniors, and we play on the team together. And one night you text me, all excited: you just got accepted at your #1 school, and they’re giving you a scholarship. And as soon as I read the text, something in my heart turns bitter. So I text you back, “Unbelievable! That is awesome!” But if I’m really honest, I’m distraught. Because I haven’t gotten any offers like that.
So envy is when I see something good happen for you, and instead of rejoicing in what you have, I feel ripped off because of what I don’t have.
Now, let me add one qualifier: we normally only envy people for things that are important to our identity. Does that make sense? So if I know someone who’s a very successful lawyer, I don’t envy him, because I’m not trying to be a successful lawyer. His success as a lawyer doesn’t threaten me at all. But if I hear of someone who’s a successful pastor, I might envy him. Because he is successful in the very thing that I’m trying to do. Does that make sense? So think about your life: what’s the thing that you most want to do well in? That’s the thing you’re likely to envy others for.
Rick Warren said, "Envy is resenting God's goodness to others and ignoring God's goodness to me."
So here’s the point: when I carry that envious mindset into the messy conflict of relationships, it’s just going to make things worse.
The second mark of worldly wisdom is “selfish ambition.” Which means the way I treat relationships is always to get something for myself. You’re working with a team at your job, and you present an idea. You think it’s a great idea—you’ve been working on this idea! But the team talks about it, and they decide it’s just not going to work. They dismiss your great idea. Ever have that experience? And what happens to your ego? Ouch. Your pride is wounded. And “selfish ambition” means you have a really hard time deferring to the group and letting go of your idea and moving on. So depending on your personality you either rant or you silently pout, and the atmosphere becomes awkward.
Or think about that high school senior again—the one who just got a great college acceptance and scholarship? We talked about the relationship between him and his envious friend, right? How about the relationship between him and his dad? Imagine that his dad hears the news, and he’s just so happy: My son is going to a great school; he’s a college-level athlete. But what happens when it’s midway through freshman year, and his son gets cut from the team? And the dad’s friends keep asking him, “How’s college boy doing?” And the dad feels embarrassed, and kind of angry at his son. Why? Because his son’s success was filling some need in him—some ambition that dad has. Maybe fulfilling his own frustrated athletic dreams. And now that need’s not getting filled anymore. And his relationship with his son turns kind of sour.
So, worldly wisdom is characterized by bitter envy and selfish ambition. Where does that kind of mindset come from? Look at verse 15: Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. So this way of doing life, which is very self-absorbed and self-promoting, is completely cut off from God. That word “unspiritual” is used in 1 Corinthians to describe a person who does not have the Holy Spirit in them. So this is the best humans can come up with when left on our own—with no help from God. This is our natural condition: to operate with selfish ambition and bitter envy.
But James takes it a step further! What’s that last word? He says it’s actually demonic. See, the Bible teaches that there aren’t just good spiritual beings out there—angels. There are also dark spiritual beings that have influence in this world. Demonic forces. So think about this: God’s desire is for us to have unity and peace in our relationships. So if there are demonic forces that want the opposite of what God wants, what’s their goal? To mess up your relationships. They love it when we are envious of our friends. They love it when we argue with our spouse. They love that! So if the way I approach life is always about me, I am playing right into the hands of the demonic realm. Whoa.
Now: what would you say is the common element between envy and selfish ambition? What do they have in common? They’re both about me. They’re both very self-focused. Saint Augustine, and later Martin Luther had a name for that. It’s the Latin term incurvatus in se. It means “curved in on itself.” And they said, “That’s the main problem with humans: we are curved in on ourselves.” So in any situation, and especially in any conflict, we can only see things through the lens of how it affects us. Everything is about us. So if humility heals relationships, what does this curved-in-on-self mindset do to relationships? It destroys them. Verse 16 says For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. In other words, when we’re all about ourselves, curved in on ourselves, our relationships are a mess. There’s suspicion and gossip and sarcasm. Nobody admits they’re wrong; nobody backs down. It’s a nightmare. Ever been there? It’s miserable.
So how do we break out of that way of thinking and living?
Back in the 1500s, everyone thought the earth was at the center of the universe. Everything revolved around the earth. But then this brilliant mathematician and astronomer named Copernicus came
forward, and he said, “Actually, the sun is at the center, and we revolve around the sun.” Everyone thought he was crazy, but eventually they realized he was right. And that shift in thinking is called…what? The Copernican Revolution—because it revolutionized the way we view our place in the universe. Wow—we’re not at the center?
So John Ortberg, the Christian writer, says what we need most is a Copernican Revolution of the soul. Because the reason I struggle with bitter envy and selfish ambition is that I instinctively view myself as the center of the universe. So you and I can have a conversation, but even when I’m listening to you, I’m only interested in how it affects me! Everything revolves around me. So if we’re going to bring healing in our relationships, somehow we have to fundamentally shift the way we look at ourselves and our place in the world. So how is that possible?
Second and final point: Godly Wisdom is Built on Humility. Look one more time at verse 13: Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the…what? humility that comes from wisdom. So the defining mark of godly wisdom is humility. Humility heals relationships. Okay, but what is humility—what does it mean? The Greek word is prautes. In Galatians 5, in the fruit of the Spirit passage, it’s translated “gentleness.” In some older Bible translations, it’s translated “meekness,” but that’s not really a good word to use today, because when we hear “meek,” what do we think? Weak and passive and wimpy, right? But that’s not what this is at all. The word prautes was used to describe a powerful horse that’s been broken, so now it willingly submits to the bridle. So it means “strength under control.” It means making the powerful choice to deny yourself, and put the other person first.
In verse 17, there’s a description of what this humility looks like—listen to this description: But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. If we all acted like that, how long would our fights last? Not long. Because we’d be so tuned in to the other person, and so considerate of their point of view, so we’d listen more and talk less. It says this kind of wisdom is peace-loving, so we’d be less focused on winning the argument, and more focused on preserving the relationship, right? Humility heals relationships.
In his book, Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis has a great description of humility. Listen to this:
Do not imagine that if you meet a really humble man he will be what most people call 'humble' nowadays: he will not be a sort of greasy, smarmy person, who is always telling you that, of course, he is nobody. Probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent chap who took a real interest in what you said to him. If you do dislike him it will be because you feel a little envious of anyone who seems to enjoy life so easily. He will not be thinking about humility: he will not be thinking about himself at all.
So in one sense, humility means you just don’t focus on yourself very much. You know the old saying, “Humility doesn’t mean you think less of yourself; you just think of yourself less.” That’s one angle to it.
But in another sense, humility means I do focus on myself…when it comes to identifying the problem. Does that make sense? Because the gospel tells me that my heart can be deceptive; that I’m capable of really hurting people; and I’m often blind to that. So part of humility means that when my relationships go bad, and I’m trying to figure out why, I’m going to start by looking in the mirror.
Tim Keller applied this to marriage like this—he said: “If each spouse says to the other, ‘I will treat my selfishness as the main problem in our marriage,’ you have the prospect for great things.” Humble self-focus. Does that make sense? In other words, humility heals relationships.
And I know what some of you are thinking: “But I’m not the main problem! He is! She is! How can I treat my selfishness as the main problem, when I’ve been so hurt by this other person? It’s too much to ask. It’s impossible.”
And you’re absolutely right. This is not something we can pull off on our own. And that’s why so many marriages go bad, and so many families just tolerate each other on holidays, and so many parents are distant from their kids. Because this is really hard. We need help.
So how do we actually do this? Look at the beginning of verse 17 again: But the wisdom that comes from heaven… The only way to have this Copernican Revolution of the soul, and walk in true humility, is to receive it from heaven. Bitter envy and selfish ambition come naturally; humility requires supernatural help. It comes down from heaven. And let me get more specific: we receive it from the One who came from heaven.
There is a teaching in Philippians that really lays this out. Look with me at Philippians 2, starting in verse 3: 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. So that’s what humility is—putting others ahead of yourselves. Keep going…5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; 7 rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!
If anyone in history had the right to demand service, it was Jesus. Right? He came to this earth as God in human form. He had every right to sit back and expect people to serve him. But instead, he made the decision every day to turn outward and serve…and the ultimate display of that was the way he died. And even on the cross, in his dying moments, he wasn’t about himself. He arranged for his mother’s care after he was gone; he spoke words of hope to the thief hanging next to him; he forgave the people who put him to death.
So here’s the point: if we’re going to have real humility in our relationships, it’s going to come from Jesus. Because the more we focus on his life and the way he treated people and the way he died, and the more we trust in him and draw our strength from him, we’ll be able to live the way he lived. Jesus said in John 15, “If you abide in me, you’re going to bear much fruit.” Paul says in Galatians 2, “I’ve learned to live in this way where Christ actually lives through me.” So it’s still you, but it’s the power and the energy of Christ, working through you, changing what you’re able to bring to the table in all your relationships.
So humility heals relationships, and the source of humility is Jesus. Because he brings this fundamental shift in the way I look at myself and my place in the world. I realize I’m not at the center. It’s not all about me at all. And as I live that way, all my relationships get better.
In Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage, he tells the story of Dr. John Barger and his marriage. Dr. Barger had a successful medical practice and a miserable marriage. The atmosphere in his home was cold. He was very domineering with his family. His wife Susan feared him, she resented him, and if it weren’t for the children she would have left him. And then something happened. His wife was about to give birth; he was with her in the delivery room, and it was a very hard labor. It turned out that her
placenta tore loose, and she started hemorrhaging. And when the baby finally came out it was stillborn.
Let me read you Dr. Barger’s words on what happened next: “At two in the morning in a stark, bright hospital delivery room, I held in my left hand my tiny lifeless son, and stared in disbelief at his death…I had the power to make [my family’s] lives worse by raging against my baby’s death and my wife’s lack of love, or to make their lives better by learning to love them properly. I had to choose.” That became a turning point moment in his life, and he decided to lean on God’s grace and allow God to change his heart and his behavior.
Here’s how he describes the change: “I began holding my tongue. I started admitting my faults and apologizing for them. I quit defending myself when I was judged too harshly. As I had made myself the center of attention for too many years already, I said little about my own labors and sorrows; I sought to know Susan’s, and to help her to bear them. And, frankly, once I started listening to her—once I began really hearing her and drawing her out—I was startled at how many and how deep were her wounds and her sorrows.”
And of course no one’s perfect, and he didn’t change everything overnight. But as he humbled himself over the next few years, the change in their home was dramatic. His wife’s anger and coldness were replaced with warmth and trust and gentleness. Life was radically different for everyone in the family. Because humility heals relationships.
You know, I first read this story years ago—but over the years, as I’ve counseled people about their own marriage, and as I’ve navigated my own marriage, I’ve thought of that story often. Because I know myself: I have the capacity to be that self-centered, prideful husband. All of us do. And it’s just bad for marriage. But when we allow God to humble us, things go so much better.
Listen to the last thing James says—verse 18: Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. Peacemakers who sow in peace. We’re all sowing something, aren’t we? In every relationship we have—with our words, with our actions, in the way we treat people—every interaction is like sowing a seed. And over time, whatever we’ve planted starts to grow around us: either a harvest of disorder and chaos and broken relationships, or a harvest of peace and trust and love. How’s your harvest coming along?
You know, relationships can be messy. And you can’t control what another person does. But you can choose what you do. And by God’s grace you can choose, day after day after day, to sow seeds of humility. Because I’m telling you: humility heals relationships.
