Encounter with a Lonely Woman

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Good morning Chapel family! Good to be with you today. We’re taking this fall to look at six different Encounters with Jesus from the Gospel of John. Six different kinds of people who actually had a one-on-one conversation with Jesus, and that encounter wound up being the turning point in their lives.

So as we look at each one, I’m encouraging you to ask yourself two questions: First, is Jesus speaking to me personally through this encounter? And then second, does Jesus want to speak through me to someone I know, through this encounter? I mentioned last week that losing my friend Sal has reminded me how fragile life is. I might not wake up tomorrow. Which means that today is precious. So if I sense the voice of Jesus speaking through Scripture, I’m not going to waste that moment. I’m going to lean in and listen. And I hope you’ll do the same.

So today, we’re going to look at an encounter that Jesus had with a lonely woman.

Dr. Vivek Murthy, the U.S. Surgeon General, said this: “During my years caring for patients, the most common pathology I saw was not heart disease or diabetes; it was loneliness.” Isn’t that sad? As our culture becomes more busy and wealthy and technologically advanced, we are becoming disconnected. And the pandemic has only made that worse, right? So you might have 5,000 Facebook friends and 9,000 Instagram followers, but still be profoundly lonely.

So in today’s passage, Jesus encounters a woman who’s technically not alone—she has a love relationship in her life. But beneath the surface, she’s very much alone. And the conversation they have is incredibly relevant for us to hear. So let’s look at the Scripture—John chapter 4, beginning in verse 4. I invite you now to hear the Word of God…

4 Now he had to go through Samaria. 5 So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. 6 Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon.

7 When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, “Will you give me a drink?” 8 (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.)

9 The Samaritan woman said to him, “You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?” (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans).

10 Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

11 “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? 12 Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

16 He told her, “Go, call your husband and come back.”

17 “I have no husband,” she replied.

Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”

19 “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.”

21 “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. 22 You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. 23 Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. 24 God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

25 The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.”

26 Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he.” This is the Word of the Lord.

This woman was doing something that humans have done all throughout history: she was assuming that the answer to her loneliness was romantic love. So let’s talk about this under three headings today: The Search for Love, The Limits of Love, and The Deepest Love. Okay? The search for love, the limits of love, and the deepest love.

So, first: The Search for Love. Jesus and his disciples are traveling through Samaria, which is actually something most Jewish people tried to avoid, because there was a lot of bad blood between Jews and Samaritans. They come to a public well, and a woman comes to draw water from the well. And Jesus strikes up a conversation with her. And somehow, he knows all about her. He knows that she’s had a very colorful background: five different husbands. He also knows the man she’s living with now, she’s not married to. In other words, she’s had a very unsuccessful love life…but she keeps trying. She keeps looking for something that she doesn’t seem to be able to find.

To me, this is one of the most timeless stories in the Bible. Because we humans are hard-wired for relationship. Some people are more extroverted and like to be around others all the time; some people are more introverted and they need more alone time; but every one of us needs relationships. We want to give love and receive love. So this Middle Eastern woman who lived 2,000 years ago was just like us—she needed love. And just like we have a tendency to do, she was looking for that love that she needed in romantic relationships.

When I was a little kid, my mom used to play WABC on the car radio. You remember WABC—770AM? They played all the hit pop songs. So I would sit in the back seat and listen. And one day it hit me, “Wait a minute. Why are all these songs about love?” To my 10-year-old mind, that made no sense. Because there are so many great topics in life: fishing and basketball and dogs, etc. So why is love the only thing people want to sing about? And I remember asking my mom, “What’s with all the love songs.” And she said, “You’ll understand when you get older.”

So that was the moment I first realized how deeply people crave love. Just think of some of the popular songs in recent years. Michael Buble recently did a remake of the song You’re Nobody Till Somebody Loves You. Is that true? A few years back, Mariah Carey did a remake of the song I Can’t

Live, if Living is Without You. Remember that one? Like, “If I can’t have a relationship with you, I’d rather not even be alive.” Wow! I guess I won’t break up with you then.

But here’s what’s really interesting to me: the way we sometimes talk about love, we describe it in religious terms. Back in the 1970s, Ernest Becker wrote a famous book called The Denial of Death. And in that book, he asks the question, “How does a secular person—somebody who doesn’t believe in God—find a sense of significance or meaning?” And Becker says for many people, the answer is: they find it in sex and romance. So instead of finding transcendence and spiritual purpose in God, you find it…where? In your lover.

When I was 17 I took Norma Jean to the Kinnelon High School prom. The prom song that year was Heaven, by Bryan Adams. Baby you’re all that I need; and when I’m lying here in your arms; it isn’t too hard to see; we’re in heaven. Very spiritual language, right? How about this one, from the 1970s: Come bring me your softness; Comfort me through all this madness; Woman, don't you know with you I'm…born again? Seriously? Or the song Saved by a Woman. And there are countless songs like that—where your romantic partner becomes your Savior.

Back in the 1990s, Tom Cruise starred in the movie Jerry Maguire. The most famous line in the movie comes at the very end, when he looks at his girlfriend, played by Renee Zellweger, and he says those three magic words…anyone remember? “You complete me.” Because all their life, it was like this puzzle piece was missing, and now they’ve finally found that missing piece, and life will be complete. Like a spiritual wholeness.

And I realize I’m highlighting examples from modern culture. But you find examples of this all through history, in different cultures. And here’s the thing: after you’ve heard that message enough times, it starts to affect you. And you just assume that your deep longing for love can only be satisfied if you have a good, romantic relationship in your life.

That seems to be the thinking of the woman Jesus met by the well. Years earlier, she had walked the aisle for the first time. And she probably thought, “This is the love of my life, and he’s going to fill my soul, and I’ll never be lonely again.” But then something went wrong and the marriage ended, and she wondered if she would ever love again. But then she met someone else. And then it happened again. And again. And she kept trying to fill the hole in her heart with another man. And now, it seems like she’s become jaded, because she hasn’t even bothered to marry the most recent guy.

We have this stubborn tendency to make romantic love the ultimate thing, but it was never meant to deliver all that.

So let’s talk about The Limits of Love. I can actually remember the first disappointment of my married life. Do you want to hear it? It was on our honeymoon (I know—the trouble started early). We were on the beautiful Island of St. John. And on the second day, my new bride and I went out to play some tennis. Beautiful day. About 80 degrees and sunny. So we started playing, and my mind was filled with visions of a lifetime of playing sports together under the sun. And after we’d played for about 20 minutes, my beautiful wife approached the net, and she looked deeply into my eyes, and she said, “It’s way too hot. I’m done.” And I know this sounds petty, but I was genuinely disappointed. Because there was something I was expecting her to provide for me, and I realized she wasn’t going to be that.

It’s a good thing she’s not preaching now, because she would share the list of all the ways I’ve disappointed her. But she’s not preaching, so you won’t hear any of those things. But here’s the point: As strong as our marriage is, I’m just a man. She’s just a woman. We have disappointed each other, and we’ll continue to disappoint each other, because we are not the cosmically perfect completion to

one another. In fact, if I think a woman can complete me—if I look to my wife to meet all my needs, and to give me significance and purpose—she’ll be suffocated by those expectations. She was never meant to be all that.

Earnest Becker said it like this: “How can a human being be a god-like ‘everything’ to another? No human relationship can bear the burden of godhood, and the attempt has to take its toll in some way on both parties.”

Let’s unpack that a little bit. If you’re in a relationship, and you’ve adopted the cultural view that romantic love is the answer to everything, but then this other person disappoints you, how will that take a toll on you? I’ve seen it play out in four different ways.

First, it can lead to disdain. You start to disdain this other person for letting you down. You resent them. How dare you not want to play tennis in the summer heat? How dare you sit around and watch sports, while our yard is a mess? How dare you get wrinkles, and not have the same body you had in your 20s? How dare you not be a spiritual giant, who leads our family in Bible study every night? So you sort of punish the other person for not being all that you expected them to be. Disdain.

Second, it can lead to distraction. So instead of facing the disappointment of my marriage, I play golf as often as possible. Or I go fishing. Or I go to the bar. Anything to distract me from the reality that my marriage is so unfulfilling. So you wind up living in the same home, but spending as little time with each other as possible. Distraction.

Third, marriage disappointment can lead to darkness. A few years ago, the foot traffic in Barnes & Nobel retail stores increased more dramatically than it had ever increased before, and it was all because of the release of one book. You know what the book was? Fifty Shades of Gray. The trilogy about sexual domination. Within the first few months of its release, it sold 40 million copies. 40 million! Shortly after the first book came out, Shannon Etheridge wrote a column where she said this: “I think the real force behind this Fifty Shades phenomenon is that our society is clamoring for closeness. However, in the absence of genuine sexual intimacy…, we settle for sexual intensity: erotica, pornography, an office romance, an extramarital affair or whatever strokes the ego and provides the sexual high we crave.” And of course the porn industry is so much bigger and so much darker than Fifty Shades.

And then, fourth, when we think romantic love will fulfill us and it doesn’t, it often leads to a do-over. Here’s the thinking: since this marriage is such a disappointment, I must have chosen the wrong person. Or maybe we could have been right for each other, but we’ve grown apart. So the obvious answer is: I need to find someone else. I need to give this another shot. Which is exactly what the woman at the well had been doing, and she was now on her fifth do-over.

So as Jesus engaged her in conversation, he did what Jesus did so well. He used something concrete and familiar to make a deeper point. In verse 13, he says “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again.” Now, on the surface, he was talking about H20. Day after day, she would come to this well, and draw water, and it quenched her thirst that day. But the next day, she was thirsty again, and she had to come back. It never satisfied her for long. That’s just how physical thirst works.

But he was obviously saying something deeper. And I don’t know how much the woman picked up on it at first, but I think she eventually got it. She realized there was another well she’d been going to over and over again: the well of romantic love. And every new man she met, she thought, “This one will satisfy me.” But every time, the love dried up and the thirst returned. Just like Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks that water will be thirsty again.”

Can you relate to this woman? Do you find yourself going back to the well of romantic love over and over again? Maybe you’re a lot like her—you’ve had a lot of relationships with a lot of different people, but you’re still thirsty. Or maybe you’ve been with the same person, and it’s been disappointing, but you’re not giving up. You still feel like you can rekindle the fire if you take the right vacation or increase the romance level. Or maybe for you, there’s no one in your life, but you’re convinced that person is out there. So you’re waiting to find the right well, because you just know that when you drink from it, you’ll finally be complete.

See, here’s the thing we all have in common: we’re born into this world with a deep hunger for love. And because romantic love can be so powerful and so thrilling (and because our culture is obsessed with it), we convince ourselves that’s what we need. But it’s actually not. It’s a beautiful thing and it can be a very good thing, but it’s not the ultimate thing. And I think it’s those moments in our lives when we feel dissatisfied and restless, when we can hear God’s voice. And that’s where this woman was. Six men, and she was still lonely! So Jesus met her at exactly the right time in her life, and he invited her to something deeper.

So let’s talk about The Deepest Love. So right after Jesus says, “You’ve had five husbands, and the guy you have right now isn’t your husband,” the woman is getting a little nervous. Verse 19—19 “Sir,” the woman said, “I can see that you are a prophet. 20 Our ancestors worshiped on this mountain, but you Jews claim that the place where we must worship is in Jerusalem.” Do you see what she’s doing? She’s changing the subject, to take the focus off herself. “So, mister prophet: where do you stand on the Jew versus Samaritan worship debate?” And Jesus humors her: he says it’s actually not about where you worship; it’s about how you worship—it’s about worshiping God “in Spirit and in truth.” Then verse 25: 25 The woman said, “I know that Messiah” (called Christ) “is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” Like, “Yeah—you sound pretty smart, but when the Messiah comes he’ll settle this debate once and for all.”

And then the bombshell—verse 26: 26 Then Jesus declared, “I, the one speaking to you—I am he. I’m telling you, the hair on the back of her neck must have stood up. Because here was a man who knew the details of her past; he seemed to know what he was talking about regarding how to worship God; he didn’t seem to want anything from her romantically or sexually. And he risked his reputation to talk, personally, with her—a Samaritan, who was supposed to be ignored and hated by Jews. He was talking with her. All through the conversation she could tell there was something different about this man, and now he just comes right out and says it: he’s the Messiah.

And maybe in her mind, she re-wound the conversation, and she thought about what Jesus had said a few moments before: 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. See, Jesus knew about her deep thirst, that she’d been trying to satisfy with men. And he knew that, ultimately, it was a thirst for unconditional acceptance—she desperately wanted to be known and loved and accepted. That’s what we’re all looking for, aren’t we? We look for it in boyfriends and girlfriends and dating and marriage: unconditional acceptance. And Jesus was saying, “Find it in Me.”

You know why he could say that? Because shortly after this conversation, Jesus would go to the cross. And just before he died, Jesus talked about water and thirst one last time. Remember what he said? Just two words: “I thirst. I thirst.” Don’t you see that he wasn’t asking for a drink of water? He was talking about soul thirst. As Jesus carried our sins on the cross, as our substitute, something awful happened: the very presence of his Father was ripped away from him. For the first time ever, his soul was dying of thirst. That’s why he said he was thirsty! So here’s what that means: this thing we most

long for, which is unconditional acceptance—and we try to find it in human relationships, but ultimately we need it from God—Jesus gave that up…so that we could have it forever. Amen?

That’s what he was offering this woman. And that’s what he offers to us. 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life. See, when you’re walking in the love of Christ—when that’s the ruling relationship in your life—you will look at human love relationships differently. You’ll stop basing your sense of worth on the success of your love life. Because you know there is someone who has loved you, and will continue to love you…regardless of what people do.

Some of you are honest enough to see some of yourself in this woman. Maybe you feel you have no more worth because you’ve given yourself away too many times. Or you feel like a second-class Christian because of a failed marriage, or marriages. Or you’re ashamed because you keep getting drawn back into using porn. If you can relate to any of that, you need to see how he’s talking to you, personally. You need to see how he spilled his blood on the cross to restore you and cleanse you and give you infinite worth. Because when you see that love, and walk in that love, you can stop trying to fill your soul with something that will never fill it.

So, as we wrap up, let me give you a picture of what this looks like for three different conditions of life: for the single, for the unhappily married, and for the happily married.

First: for the single. Michael Buble said “you’re nobody till somebody loves you.” And because of Christ, you realize that’s a lie. Or you could say it’s true—because somebody does love you. You are loved by the One whose opinion matters the most. And you realize that you really don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse to complete you. You realize that some of the most complete people in the world—Mother Teresa, Paul the Apostle, Jesus—were single. So if God provides someone, that’s great. But life doesn’t go on hold till you find someone. And you live to the fullest.

Second, for the unhappily married. You realize that basing your joy on the success of your marriage is foolish—because there’s so much that’s out of your control. So you do what you can to improve the marriage. But if it stays unhappy, you don’t abandon it prematurely. You let God use the hard marriage to drive you to Him, and to satisfy your thirst in Him. And you allow the marriage to make you resilient and compassionate toward other people in hard situations. Some of the people I respect the most are people who’ve had hard marriages, but they don’t let that define who they are.

And then finally, for the happily married. Of course you’re thankful for your good marriage or your good relationship, but you refuse to let that be the ultimate thing in your life. You intentionally pray together and worship together, to remind yourself that there’s a love that’s deeper than your marriage. You realize that God has given you this good relationship so that you can do things that go beyond the relationship—you can serve the world together. And as you get older, you realize that as great as your marriage is, it’s not eternal. The song says, “I will love you for a thousand years,” but you’re lucky to get 50 or 60. And because you know that, you find your deepest joy in the One whose love can never be taken away.

In other words, no matter what your relationship status is, lean into your relationship with Jesus Christ. Pursue him passionately—through prayer, through meditation on Scripture, through worship. Allow yourself to be loved by him, and make that the defining relationship of your life. And as you do that, every other relationship in life will go better.